(This is a rant that I wrote on a business trip 2 years ago. After about 4 days of rotten food, cramped cars, and filthy surroundings, I had had enough. I do like the French as people, but their country needs some serious work.)

Actual French cuisine is simply awful, by the way.
Going to France? Pack a lunch.

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France blows.

I couldn't wait to get here. Now, I can't wait to leave. This place is the pits. It's filthy, cramped, and totally disorganized. We should have just said to hell with it and let Hitler have this shithole - it wasn't worth the effort and it sure as hell wasn't worth my Uncle getting shot in the face over. (My condolences Uncle Ed.)

The Disenchanting Kingdom starts in Paris' Charles De Gaulle airport - which beats out Guadalajara, Philly and Chicago Midway for the world's most run-down, POS airport. A difficult feat indeed. I haven't flown into Nicaragua, Liberia or the Congo yet, so I may need to hold off before sending the trophy to Jacques Chirac.

The rest of the country, including most of Paris, consists of broken down shacks, trash-filled roadways, and graffiti covering every piece of infrastructure. It's just plain damned ugly. France has all the charm of a truck stop men's room. Want to see Paris? Save yourself the trouble and expense and just drive through East St. Louis. You'll never know the difference. For all their bitching about inadequacies of American culture, you'd think the French would have the presence of mind to pick up their garbage. But then again, these are the people that support one of the world's highest tax rates and bitch about unemployment. They may be cultured, but they sure aren't smart.

Speaking of culture, I really expected come here and be immersed in great culture. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. It's like I never left home. The French love McDonalds, Kellogg's Corn Flakes, and bad American movies. I had a better access to good French movies, music and culture at home. Damned if I can find any of it here.

Despite the fact that there is plenty of space available, the French have a penchant for sizing their country for midgets - whoa I'm sorry - I meant "little frog people." Pick anything. Cars, airplane seats, doorways, hotel rooms... Apparently, the median frog is about five feet tall and weighs about 120 lbs. I'm stocky, but not fat and I can barely fit into an elevator here. Everybody thinks I'm nuts because I keep taking the stairs. It's just that I've never experienced true claustrophobia until today.

Thinking about going to France to spend your hard-earned vacation dollars? Don't. Thank God my company is paying for this, or I'd want my money back.

The Marshall Plan was wasted here. We should have torched this dump 50 years ago and walked. At least the trash would have been taken care of.

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