[Reader’s note: This rant was written while we were in the process of selling my father’s airplane, a Ryan PT-22 (a WWII vintage trainer ) - a process which turned out to be a total pain in the ass - as I had to waste one or two days of my time on every tire-kicker with a jumpseat pass who flew out to see it. Blessedly, the Ryan is now sold and has gone to an outstanding buyer who will be doing a show-winning-quality restoration.

For “safety” reasons, the Ryan originally came with a Model-T type of crank starter where you stuck a handle through a hole in the side of the engine cowl and turned the engine over with the crank. It was total bullshit and all it did was make the plane heavier. Any “safety” enhancement was illusory for various reasons. The first thing people did after the war was rip the crank starters out of the planes and lose 30+ lbs of dead weight. To start the aircraft, you just grab the prop and give it a gentle pull and, the gods of fuel-air mixture willing, the plane will start itself. Just like safe gun-handling, there are simple rules one follows for safe hand-propping. This system worked just swimmingly for over 60 years, until a bunch of brain-dead morons decided that they needed the crank-starters again.]

“I want to buy your Ryan.”

“Okay..”

“Do you have the crank starter for it?”

“No.”

“Where is it?”

“Probably rotting away in somebody’s old hangar somewhere. We have part of the engine assembly, but I haven’t seen the handle in a couple decades. The gear drive is long gone. You realize that nobody uses the cran.......”

“I WANT THE CRANK STARTER!”

“I don’t have one to give you. If you’d let me, I can show you how easy it is to handpro...”

“I NEED THE CRANK STARTER!”

(Sigh.....) “I don’t have one to give you.”

“I’m not going to hand prop.”

“But it’s not hard if you just let me show you. We tie down the tail of the aircraft and we also have a snubber to prevent the throttle from being bumped open. It’s just not that hard or very dangerous.”

“I’m just not strong enough to hand-prop.”

“You don’t need to be, there’s a technique if you’ll just let me show yo...”

“You think I’m a pussy because I want to use the crank starter.”

“I never said that.”

“But you think it. You think I’m a pussy don’t you?”

“Okay, you’re a pussy.”

“I can’t believe it! You want me to buy your airplane, and you’re calling me names?!”

“Okay, you’re not a pussy.”

“But you still THINK I’m a pussy.”

“Fine, you’re still a pussy.”

“I can’t believe you think I’m going to buy your airplane after you called me that!”

“I don’t recall ever saying I wanted you to buy the airplane.”

“You don’t want to sell your airplane?”

“I do.”

“You just don’t want to sell your airplane to ME. Is that it?!!”

“I never said that.”

“Do you really think I’m a pussy?”

“I know women who hand-prop their Ryans, so on that basis, I wouldn’t call you a pussy.”

“So now, I’m not good enough to be a pussy?!”

(sigh....)

“Well, I still need that crank starter. Where is it?”

“I told you, probably still in the same corner of the same hangar where somebody chucked it fifty years ago.”

“But which hangar?”

“You want a list of all old hangars between here and San Diego?”

“No. I want to know WHICH hangar it's in and preferably which corner.”

“You realize that by now it’s probably rusted into nothing.”

“I want the crank starter!”

“I just don’t have one to give you.”

“Fine! I’m going home.”

(And good riddance, you big pussy.)

info@ericwesselman.com
Located in Spokane, WA

509.981.7558

All images and text copyright of Eric Wesselman 2002-2004