(Some days you've just had enough. And, no, I didn't make any of this up.)
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On my way to the gym this afternoon, a bright young man showed up on my front walk. The Orkin man.
Would you be interested in our pest control services?
No, thank you.
Take care of it yourself?
Yes.
What kind of bugs are you seeing?
Not many, besides the 18” long tarantulas that inhabit my crawl space.
Wow! What do you use to kill those?
I don’t use anything. I arranged a deal with government where they hover black helicopters over my house in the dead of night and flood my property with Radon and PCB’s.
And that kills the tarantulas?
No, but it mutated them into very attractive, but slightly aggresive Labrador Retrievers. Heel Zuzu! Heel!
[I no sooner get back from the gym, and the candy girl shows up on my doorstep. I’m sweaty, stinky, and all I want is a shower.]
Would you like to buy some candy?
No, thank you.
You don’t eat candy?
I do.
Why not buy some candy from me?
Because I’ve had Willy Wonka imprisoned in my basement for the last six years and I ought to be selling you candy. I even have candy that will teach you how to read the “No Soliciting” sign at the entrance of the gated community that you have no business being in.
[Eventually I’m able to go upstairs and commune with the shower. No sooner do I get dried off and dressed when the phone rings. Clearly this is a conspiracy.]
Hello sir, this is (a female operator) from the Gas Company. You recently called our customer service office and we’d like you to evaluate your experience.
(Sigh…) O.K.
How do you rate our customer service during your phone call?
She was very nice.
What do you mean by “nice.”
She was nice.
Can you specifically describe the qualities that constitute “nice.”
She was courteous, knowledgeable, and prompt.
Thank you.
How do you rate the quality of the product provided by your electrical utility?
Huh?
How do you rate the quality of the product provided by your electrical utility?
You’re kidding, right?
No. Can you tell me how you like their product?
It’s electricity. It’s a commodity.
But, how do you like it, sir?
Why I just love it. In fact, I feel their electrons are much improved over those provided by my last electrical utility. We measured them with special testing apparatus and found that they are actually more electronegative than regular electrons.
Huh?
Just write, “spunky electrons.”
O.K. Now, how do you rate the quality of the product provided by your gas company?
You’re shitting me.
No sir, I wouldn’t shit you.
Who are the brain dead morons that come up with these questions?
These questions are based on questions our customers ask most often.
Well, I absolutely LOVE the gas molecules that your company provides. They are far superior to the gas molecules provided by my last public utility. I’m especially impressed by how your company has been able to attach extra hydrocarbons to every molecule. I have actually decided to forsake all other combustible gas molecules in favor of yours.
That’s very flattering sir.
You’re quite welcome.
Has a gas company representative ever come to your home?
Yes.
How would you rate the quality of your representative?
He was nice.
Can you specifically describe the qualities that constitute “nice.” My supervisor wants to know what nice means.
Have your supervisor call me.
Sir?
Have your supervisor call me. I’ll be happy to explain what “nice” is, after which we’ll have a little chat about what the meaning of “is” is.
[Giggle] Alright sir. Now, if you could talk to directly to our President, what would be the one thing you tell him on how to improve our service.
I think he should go to ANWR, tap a hole, and run a gas pipeline directly from there to my house. And I want my gas to be free because I had such a splendid idea.
That’s wonderful! Usually everyone just tells me they want lower prices, but I have to ask them how. What’s ANWR, by the way?
Alaska National Wildlife Refuge. Happy to be of service.
Now, how do you think the gas company could better market our products and services?
This is a joke right?
No sir. No joke.
Some marketing schmuck making two hundred grand a year needs my input on how to do his job?
That's right.
O.K. Television ads. Lots of ‘em.
We should advertise on television?
Yes, but there are some other requirements. First, you’ll need dancing molecules.
Dancing…..molecules….sir?
Yes, and lots of them. See if Paul Allen will loan you the Blazer girls and glue balloons to them. But, just make sure you don’t get the dancing molecules around any dancing electrons. That makes for some dangerous business.
Yes sir.
And…one more thing. The advertisements must not contain any substantive information.
Sub-san-tive?
No. Sub-stan-tive. S-u-b-s-t-a-n-t-i-v-e
Er, alright sir, so no sub-san-tive information. I’m not sure what that means, sir.
Have your marketing exec give me a call. It’s a well-respected principle in the advertising industry. I’ll be happy to explain it to him.
O.K. Sir. Thank you so much. You’ve been so very helpful.
Any time, dear.
info@ericwesselman.com
Located in Spokane, WA
509.981.7558
All images and text copyright of Eric Wesselman 2002-2004